Wednesday, November 18, 2009

On Sloth

I can name all the 7 Dwarfs, the 50 States, maybe 35% of the state capitals and all the U.S. presidents in order but I've never been able to name all 7 deadly sins.

I'm Jewish. Sue me. (No, actually don't. Surprisingly I don't know any lawyers. Oh, wait, yeah, I totally do. He's corporate law but he's too cool for school. Ok. Yeah. bring it.)

But yes, there's Avarice (Greed), Gluttony, Sloth, Lust, Envy, Wrath, and Pride. Somehow pride is the one I always leave out. Weird.

Anyway, the one I always liked best was Sloth, because it's the only sin that is generally frowned upon while maintaining a presence in the animal kingdom. Cats are notoriously slothful, but there are actual animals called sloths. There is the three-toed sloth and the four-toed sloth and I am fairly sure they both have five toes and the name is representative of lengthy claws or some such thing.

But guy.

Sloths can actually move really fast. And they can shred you with those claws, however many in number they are. These critters just sleep like 20 hours a day. They hang upside-down just chillin'. They are downright lackadaisical.

And that's pretty much where I am in my life, right now.

I woke up at 4:30 p.m. today. I slept for 10.5 hours from mid-dawn to earliest dusk. I am the opposite of a Quentin Tarentino film starring himself and George Clooney that changes gears halfway through and spawned two awful sequels and an abortion of a prequel.

I am living inside a Twilight book. (I will not call it a novel as my life has far better writing. Also, fewer pale teenagers which is actually just a bonus.) I am reminded of the movie I Was A Teenage Vampire and how much more awesome it was than what I'm doing right now. Years and years ago I would have monster comedy weekends in which I would rent IWATV and Teenwolf and sadly I am doing less with my life now than I was then. [Note: I'm doing so little as to fact check that title. The reason I can't find it is apparently that my old Blockbuster Video apparently stocked the Australian version of My Best Friend Is A Vampire. Oh, Australia.]

As it turns out I now need to find a reason to get up in the mornings. Literally. I need to cash a check, guys. Banks close at 4 and it's just really, really inconvenient to not be awake before that. I should start doing my banking online via Swiss accounts, but I'm not sure you can open a Swiss bank account for the $50 birthday check your grandmother sent you. (I feel like there'd be fees attached.)

So there it is, an open casting call for a web designer/Tech Guy Steve to build and moderate a professional blog site for me and perhaps an other special user who shall remain nameless because surprise collaborations are more fun.

We also seek a business person capable of setting up all the legal tiddlywinks so that we can maintain ads and get paid whilst still using the words "dick," "fuck," and "Queefer Sutherland."

We can pay you $50 or so in cash, beer and candy now, and a percentage of ad revenue to follow. So, yeah, business guys got incentive, there.

*This blog may be monitored for customer service.*

1 comment :

  1. I really do love how you got nearly everything about the sloth wrong. There are in fact a two-toed and a three-toed variety of sloth, named after the number of fingers they have (both species have three-toes on their rear limbs). They are actually very, very slow, and so absolutely harmless they don't even kill the moss that grows on their backs. Also, they are quite free of the sin Sloth, as they are very active, just not at all quick.

    Still, you're description of them as 'lackadaisical' is quite appropriate.

    With friend's like this, who needs haters?


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