Wednesday, September 5, 2012

A Vicious Revenge Plot You Should Never Employ

I licked an envelope the other day. This … isn't something I do a lot of, what with living in The Future and all.

I was a tad miffed with the person I was mailing. The rule about never upsetting the people who prepare and serve your food applies to any service industry. This includes being short with someone, being contrary, and just generally being a negative pain in the ass. You're requesting something, of someone who does not have to do it simply because you're offering your money up to a corporation.

The point being, when you rely on me, I am in control.

And then I had to lick an envelope for the first time in months. I didn't want my tongue on that. It wasn't even flavored. Not even lousy flavored. Plain flavored. I wouldn't wipe my ass with a plain flavored envelope, but then again I can help it.

So here comes the juicy bit:

If you really hate someone in your office, I mean really despise them to an extent you are willing to risk what is tantamount to physical assault, you could wipe your ass with their envelopes.

At the very least, it's gross and you laugh. Worst case scenario:they actually get pink-eye or some terrible stomach illness from ingesting your fecal residue. If they have an open soar, they could possibly even die of sepsis. Honestly, I'd strongly recommend against this.

If only because I'd be afraid to get a paper cut on my anus.

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