Monday, March 15, 2010

On the Secret Gay Conspiracy

So considering how many U.S. plutocrats are getting caught engaging in illicit drug use and extra-marital hankey-pankey with members of their own gender, it's gotten me thinking that perhaps there actually is a secret gay conspiracy in this country. Perhaps all the wonderful, happy gay people we know like Richard Simmons, Ellen and Tegan & Sara are just a distraction, while a few, truly evil, greedy and malicious gay people infiltrate our commercial and governmental systems to rise to the top and control us.

You know, just like the top 1% of straight people do.

That said, I can't imagine that all gay people are in on this conspiracy. Likely, it's just a conspiracy of horrible persons who happen to be gay. After all, most politics exclusively involve people who just happen to be crooks, hypocrites and the mildly retarded. (No, that's not a dig at Sarah Palin's baby. That's a dig at Sarah Palin.)

The following is a list of possible dark machinations if this cabal truly involves all homosexuals instead of just a few assholes:

  • Infiltrate congress; legislate it a criminal offense to wear stretch leggings.
  • Teach everyone personal hygiene; lower immune rates; attack with virulent gay super-flu.
  • Get everybody into techno and glowsticks. (Glowsticks already achieved.)
  • Popularize five-star cuisine; ensure steady source of French-Asian Fusion delights.
  • Make entire population care about its appearance, don't have to look at uggos all day.
  • Get married; adopted unwanted orphan child; form happy family.
Honestly, I'm pretty much all for all of that. Go, Secret Gay Conspiracy, go!

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