Thursday, February 12, 2009

Mostly True Ways I've Preemptively Foiled CSI From Solving My Future Possible Murder

  • Regularly leaving finger prints in odd locations and in anatomically unlikely grip patterns.
  • Randomly smudging and wiping my fingerprints off of door handles and other places they should be.
  • Constantly reminding my friends of the proper procedure for sinking a torso in water.
  • Constantly explaining the proper use of ammonia and lemon juice to destroy DNA evidence.
  • Keeping climbing supplies, rope and disguises in the trunk of my car at all times.
  • Leaving .txt notes on my computer referencing the legality of all my hidden porn.
  • Meticulously organizing said porn to a frightening degree.
  • Keeping a standard-issue police handcuff key on my keyring.
  • Occasionally wearing other people's undergarments to comedic effect.
  • Stipulating that I shall receive a green burial only if my death is not under investigation.
  • Paying migrant workers to bury my corpse in a mass grave filled with dead hookers I've absolutely never met before in my life.
  • Stealing David Caruso's sunglasses.

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