Friday, February 20, 2009

Of Hypothetical Ovaries

Way back in the day, probably a Thursday, we 'd ask each other hypothetical questions to fill the time we could have been using to actually experience things. One hypothetical I never liked was "What would you do if you just woke up one morning [as the opposite sex]?"

Now it's an alright question, and the default answer is usually something akin to "Not what you're thinking, you fucking perv!" But this is just factually inaccurate. If you were to suddenly find yourself with the wrong chromosomal and genetic expressions you would, in order:

  1. Freak the fuck out
  2. Only stop when you have to go to the bathroom/Examine the goods while in the bathroom
  3. Masturbate profusely
  4. Go about your day, eventually try to have sex in some bizarre manner featuring either whores or some moderately homosocial chum like Ana Faris in "The Hot Chick" starring Rob Schneider.
The question now becomes, after you've done all this, after you're tired and fucked out and are trying to come to grips with how your life has become, what do you do fifth?

The greatest answer I have ever received is simply this: "Buy new pants."

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