On Breaking Even

Went into the city today to see a friend do stand-up. Parking was so awful we were 20 minutes late and lost our reserved seats (we didn't have time for the train and foot/cab. Shut up.)

On the up side, we weren't charged $30 for seats and just watched from the bar area through curtains and on CCTV.

Down side, we couldn't hear shit and basically wasted hours driving to hear nothing and not contribute to my friend's rake. Also, the GW Bridge was fucked on the way back because some ass closed off the one exit my GPS liked and we had to go through FUCKING NEW JERSEY TWICE because WHY THE FUCK NOT DRIVE THROUGH NEW JERSEY TO GET TO WESTCHESTER. Ahem. If I may reiterate, FUCK NEW JERSEY.

Still, while not hearing exactly what was said through most of the "Black guys X like this and white guys X like this" jokes, I wrote the following lead-in and mini-set:


Hey, how you all doin' tonight? My name is XXXX XXXX and before we get started tonight I was just hoping we could take a moment of silence for my dad who can't be with us here, tonight. Yeah. He has a condition that means he can't really make it to any of my shows, it's called being a dick. So lets all wish him a speedy recovery with that.

My dad's typical form of advice was "Become a stock broker." I got my degree upstate in Creative Writing, so dinner was a lot of fun. After his third whiskey my father said to me once, "Son, SEXUAL ATTRACTION, in any relationship (no matter how brief) is DIRECTLY PROPORTIONATE to MUTUAL RESPECT … except in this case."

I said, "Wow, Dad, this is the best bar-mitzvah ever."

"Now stop trying to get me to fuck my cousins. That's just wrong. They're too tall."

So yeah, I'm half Jewish on my dad's side. I know you can't really be half a religion but my favorite meal is a bacon cheeseburger with shrimp and under-ripened tomatoes so I figure I'm going to hell on all counts.

I'm half Jewish, a quarter Italian and a quarter Pekineses. There's a smidge of African thrown in there. I know you can't tell I'm black; it's just because I got the same disease as Michael Jackson. A lot of people don't know the name, but it's called pedophilia? Anyway my doctor says I'm making real progress. Last month I covered 'Billy Jean' and only molested one Guatemalan boy, so progress.


It applies one of my favorite real anecdotes with classic Jew-hating, some black racism and death and molestation humor. All-in-all, I think I hit all the high points.

Also, fuck NJ.