Since I obviously have to inflict these upon the rest of you, I simply present "Breaking News!" a four-part series of attention-grabbing headlines I wrote for–and were entirely underused by–The Wad, a Binghamton University-based comedy website. (Which I named, by the way. Let's get that out there right now.)
Breaking News!
Nov. 11, 2009:
Nerdy Battlestar Fan Successfully Reproduces Asexually, Attends Con As Two Number Twos
“Nothing's really changed, we just play 'Call of Duty' in two-player mode now.”
Jesus Christ Descends From Heaven on Pillar of Light, Hails Obama As Messiah
Famed Anti-Cancer Drug Admits to Malignant Experience In College
“I was young and stupid. It was an experiment, a mistake … I didn’t metastasize."
Asian Community: “Yeah, we all do sort of look alike, don’t we?”
"Melted Butter, Cannolis Good for You" Claim Extremely Fat Scientists
Project Runway Lauds Motley Hobo As Fashion Genius
Final Solution: Body of Rubik’s Cube Found Smashed Next to Nazi Literature
Local Man Questioned As Man-On-the-Street, Neighbors Shocked
“It was a total surprise. I mean I just seemed like a normal guy, you know? Real quiet like.”
Mad TV Inexplicably Still On Air
FDA Cautions: "Cheetos 'Dangerously' Cheesy," Pleas Fall on Deaf, Orange-Dust Covered Ears
Santa Claus Sues Walmart Over Christmas Decorations In October, Cites Defamation of Character
BET, MTV Greenlight Full Season of MLK Jr. Speeches, Promise Shocking Finale
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