Sunday, December 30, 2012

Of Hopes and Dreams

Driving into work yesterday, I had a marvelous thought:

What if, when the apocalypse comes, zombies are Nerf-susceptible?

What a glorious fuckin' day that could be. I'm sure bullets would still do their damage, but nailing a walking corpse in the head with a suction cup just feels like you earned it. No long-range sharpshooting there, not past 75' at least. Or can you arc the shot?? Are you The One, Neo  Johnny Mnemonic  Ted "Theodore" Logan  Constantine  Clean Shaven 20 Year Old Parkour Expert Nerf Commercial Actor?

If I may be allowed to mix genres here and quote Christopher Lloyd in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, "My god, it'll be beautiful." The arsenal that is my closet would be more useful to me than the police station across the street. Armor that is light, yet somehow defends me; reusable ammunition you merely have to pluck from the noggin of a downed hellspawn. It is possible, given these obviously magical circumstances, that a SuperSoaker full of holy water could act as a flame thrower. Since I have both in the trunk of my car, I should remember this as a possible eventuality.

What I'm saying is, ladies, if you love shooting foam arrows at strange adults to energetic music and pretending you are some kind of action hero, I'm the guy you want to spend your apocalypse with. [Said my Craigslist Personals ad.]

All the plaid makes me look Canadian, which is hilarious, but only insofar as I imagine
Mounties are equipped about the same.

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