Sunday, August 2, 2009

Dear Nielsen & Co.

I started watching The Practice years ago. M*A*S*H had prepared me for bad and adult things on television. I moved to Law & Order because Jerry Orbach was the best thing ever.

Eventually, though, I watched every episode of Law & Order in existence. Even the really old ones from the late '80s with the angry D.A. and his black A.D.A. with the flat-top, and the old fat white detective.

After Hitting every CSI rerun and determining that Miami and NY were shitty, I focused on Law & Order: SVU. (Jerry Orbach's death put a premature end to the short-lived Law & Order: Trial By Jury and Criminal Intent had yet to make its shittastic debut.)

HOLY SHIT SVU WAS AMAZING. Hot ass-kicking chick, big scary white guy, cool black dude/former rapper, WISE-CRACKING CONSPIRACY JEW, what's not to like?

Well, the title, really. Don't get me wrong, but a few years ago I saw the red and blue logo pop up and waited for the ominous baritone to tell me if I was watching an original rerun, new shit, or an unwatched gem from my new favorite version. I found myself chanting, "Come ooooon raping babies. Come oooooooooon raping babies… YES RAPING BABIES!!" And that's when my roommate look at me strangely.

Really, they just need to rename the show so more people will understand what it's about. I'd propose "Law & Order: Everybody Gets Raped Eventually. Everybody."

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