Sunday, August 9, 2009

On Taxi Cab Confessions

So I was flipping channels the other day and came across some sequel to the "Taxi Cab Confessions" series and I have to admit I was shocked by how much they can get away with showing on basic cable.

Now I was pretty sure I'd been desensitized to all this shit after 3 years of college HBO, uncensored late-night cable and, oh, gee, the entire internet since I was twelve. [Side note: Yes, there was an internet when I was twelve, but just barely so don't bail on me now, you crazy fickle demographics.]

But yes, I'm pretty impressed with how dirty this stuff is. I mean obviously these were the most appalling fares Las Vegas has to offer, a feat indeed, but more interestingly I'm impressed by how filthy these people all are without the use of PG-13 language. HOW DO YOU DO THAT!?

I mean I just watched three bisexual 30-somethings explain to their driver how much anal play they like to inflict upon their respective men and the only thing to get blanked out was about half a syllable of "handjob." Naturally this seems like a pretty good deal for a young man awake in the wee hours, but it's at this point that I encounter a problem you don't find on HBO, uncensored cable or the internet:

The Softcore Effect.

Yes, most men will understand what I am about to say, or at least recognize the problem. In porn, "hardcore" of course refers to everything from the definitively illegal down to a single golden rule: Penetration. "Softcore," in opposition, tends more towards the erotic than the pornographic. Typically artsier, softcore porn is rather tame and may only be classified as "porn" at all due to not having a plot beyond love making. Dan Akroyd and one Rosie O'Donnell starred in Exit to Eden as police officers who go undercover at a fetishist's island resort to investigate something I didn't pay any attention to. Take note, this is a real movie.

Taxi Cab Confessions falls into this category of softcore entertainment in that no matter how long you watch you never actually get to the part you really want to see. "Oh, hey, these chicks just said they've had sex. Awesome! Wait, that one's not the hot. What about her friend? Is that Kathy Griffin? Crap. Well maybe they'll make out or something. No? No. It's over. Great."

The real point is after watching Taxi Cab Confessions one feels a strong desire to go out, get hammered, "tackle drunk bitches" and say the word "fuck" often enough to verify that you're really alive and not just watching Bravo in your mom's basement.

*Footnote: "Tackle drunk bitches" is an unregistered trademark of Lima-1 Guy, a bizarre RA-style adviser to freshman at the University of St. Rose in Albany, N.Y. circa 2005 who dispensed this catchphrase in the general direction of my dear friend Jay as the only advice needed by a young man out on the town.

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