Tuesday, August 25, 2009

On Caddyshack: A Running Commentary by Dave Zucker and the indomitable Bryan Haas

Bryan Haas is the Brosef Goebbels to my Martin Broman. His blogs can be found at TotalHaastility and the Bleacher Report. Nerd.

Dave: Alright, that woman's vagina has to look like a Japanese subway station by now.

Bryan: Imagine if they were all the same age? Her placenta would have looked like the back of an entertainment center.

B: Do you ever think that Chevy Chase would like to build a time machine, and go back to this time period so that he could kill himself because it was never going to get any better for him? That's of course contingent upon Chevy Chase having enough money to build a time machine.

D: He and Steve Martin would pool their resources. With a loan from Eddie Murphy.

B: Maybe a little Dan Aykroyd too?

D: I was gonna say that.

B: Where the hell is he now? He might work at the new Sonic in Binghamton.

D: Writing the next Ghostbusters movie

B: Ah, I like that more.

D: It's CGI with the entire original cast voicing. Brooklyn goes to hell. Literally.

B: I like it.

D: You are a fool.

B: Clearly. I'm going to be like Bill Murray and just carry around a pitchfork.

D: But would you wear a little red jumpsuit and hooded cape?

B: Do I have the abs for that?


B: What a scrumptious piece she is, huh?

D: Dude, expensive though. I could buy like 4 or 5 Cokes for her price.

B: I'm more of a Pepsi man myself … Judge Smales. Tremendous slouch.

D: That reminds me, I still have ticket's to Dangerfield's in the city. Gotta get on that … I feel like no one ever says "That'll never happen" and immediately cause it. We're too well trained now.

B: I want a golf bag with a radio. But it can only play Journey.

D: Why would it need to play anything else?

B: A little Men at Work would be acceptable.

D: Hey, Maggie, clearly wants to do Danny in the freezer at work tonight.

B: Sperm is more potent at lower temperatures. Maybe that's why she thinks she's knocked up later in the film.

D: Oh, I always thought it was because they were dumb promiscuous potato peelers. [Note: this is a JOKE. I am Irish and I absolutely adore my retarded Mick brethren.]

B: She is an Irish Whore.


B: I'm going to start dressing like Rodney Dangerfield in this movie. I could pull that off.

D: If I follow you around as your Asian investor Wong … OH! Little-known fact: the only good varmint pootang is actually sheep poontang. Pig is also acceptable.

B: Compelling stuff … Let's go to bullfights on acid.

D: It's very urban Hemmingway. Very appealing.

B: My guinea pig's name is Hemingway.

D: I've been meaning to get an all-gray smoosh-faced cat and name him Melville … I have never seen a man act so cool in a speedo and actually succeed.

B: It was the 80's.

D: You know that actor was a violent anti-smoker and was up to a pack-a-day by the end of filming?

B: Really? What a random fact.

D: Hey, this is a commentary. Gotta have SOME stupid trivia.

B: I'm sincerely upset by the fact that Chevy Chase has more hair than I do. And that ain't saying much.

D: Does he still? I'm fairly certain he transformed into Kevin Nealon in the mid-80s.

B: Wow, that is spot-on. And correct

D: It's like the Last Supper of Comedy. He thought we wouldn't notice. And no one did.

B: Well, until you Dave. Which really doesn't shock me.

D: I stopped watching Weeds 2 eps into season 3 because of it.

B: See, I enjoy that show. But it's just the prospect of seeing Mary Louise Parker naked that keeps me coming back for more. Or maybe it's not wanting to see Elizabeth Perkins naked. Either way.

D: I just got too busy and stopped caring. I can see her naked on the internet. You can see everyone naked on the internet.

B: Even [REDACTED (male coworker)]. Yes, I've looked. Ok, not really.

D: Aaaahh… now I just pictured them doing it and it was more awkward than my parents.

[A portion here has been redacted because it involves very harsh criticisms of the love-making style of certain former coworkers who utterly failed to keep their awful relationship secret. Also Bryan Haas said he wanted to break off a piece of Judge Smales.]

B: Strange thing about this movie, I had never seen it in it's entirety until last Fall. Criminal, I know.

D: …and they let you do a commentary on it.

[We herein devolved into a discussion of Wiffleball. Watch this instead: Caddyshack in 30 Seconds: With Bunnies. Good night, sex weasels of the internet.]

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