Sunday, August 30, 2009

On Man Law

My friends, and experience today has left me cold, the knowledge that our primal urges and behaviors have in fact not been tempered by the Man Law (or more recently "Bro Code," which we will discourage because it tacitly empowers those who identify as 'bros').

Despite what some hit shows entering their 5th season on ABC might have you believe, Man Law does not have a proper code of conduct established for every behavior, if only because as men we have the startling ability to continuously find new and horrible things to do to each other that remain utterly hilarious.

Case in point:

Earlier today I had an IM conversation with a friend of mine. This friend happens to posses ovaries whereas I, like her significant other, have testes. Note this, as I will make reference to it later on.

Now this conversation ended with the invitation to continue via text message if I so desired, to which I replied that I was pretty done, but would be open to such pleasantries. Now several hours later I had gone out to eat and gone food shopping and picked up a very useful text down at the book store, so I was in a fairly good mood and filled with a sense of accomplishment. Deciding to spread this joy, I texted this friend a photo I snapped a few weeks ago of my cat, sitting on my bed and absolutely mesmerized by Aqua Teen Hunger Force on my TV. Adorable.

Now shortly after this happened I ended up having a very long conversation with a person actually sitting next to me, so I understandably forgot about the message for a while. This ultimately led to my surprise when I received a message back. A picture message, no less.

Now if you recall, I mentioned that both I and my friend's sig-oth both are in possession of testes. I know this because the image I received (not reproduced here) depicted in a grainy, out-of-focus manner two hanging, shriveled gonads and what I assume to be an elastic waistband and probably part of a thumb.

The Dilemma

Now I'll be honest. I have seen so called "stag" films. I have taken biology class. I am the proud owner of two myself so, yes, I am familiar with what balls look like. Granted, the photo was very poorly taken but considering the job at hand I'm actually rather impressed with the lighting.

Irrespective, I find myself in a bit of a quandary. There is know real well-known procedure in Man Law to deal with a bro answering his girlfriend's phone and presumptively texting his junk to said girlfriend's friend.

Closest corollaries: A) A bro answers another bro's phone and performs said action to a third bro or a mutually detested anti-bro, or B) A bro wantonly texts his junk to his girlfriend's girl friend and a tryst and/or screaming match ensues.

So you see, it's just not expected to have a non-bro text you his happy sack from his brah's phone. It's a game-thrower. Your game is thrown. Off-like. Still, it has happened. How does one react?

Plan A: Return the Gauntlet - A challenge has been issued. The non-bro has asserted ownership over a specific vagina and is asserting Alpha status. One may meet this challenge head-on and instantly respond with a more graphic, better shot picture of on
e's own genitalia, preferably similar but more visually upsetting, in a "one upmanship" maneuver. Appropriate situational response would be all the loose skin from one's scrotum, collected outside a cuped fist and dangled like a fungal node similar to the Toadstool King in the live-action movie version of Super Mario Bros. starring John Leguizamo as young plumber Luigi Mario. This display shows the Alpha Bro that one is an equal to be respected, though not necessarily feared as a rival suitor for the vagoo. Camaraderie is reached through mutual disgusting jokes.

Plan B: Tattle on the Douche - Now this non-bro is clearly a douche, possibly of the bag variety but also possibly merely a douche with an niche-evolved sense of humor. He probably feels threatened by your relationship with his brah, a brohood in its own right that predates their mutual bro-ing out. Since he is obviously a douche, one may not feel very guilty in telling his girlfriend what has transpired. The two possible reasons for this are The blatant and the shady.
  • Blatant: "You're boyfriend is a douche. I sent you a pic-msg last night and he answered your phone and shot back a picture of his balls. He doesn't respect me, or you, or the fact that you are capable of having friends outside of his group of people you have repeatedly referred to as "completely retarded assholes' and, oh yeah, he's an admitted Nazi."
  • Shady: "Yo, so funny story? I sent you a pic last night on your phone last night, just my cat being adorable? And then I started talking to my mom and I get a text back from you and it takes me a minute to realize that I'm looking at a picture of balls. Yeah, I know, funny right? Anyway I ended up having a conversation with [REDACTED BRO NAME] about how I was familiar with the sight and he thought I wasn't enough and yeah, so, funny right?"
Now the first option is pretty out of proportion. It is not in one's duty to dictate the lives of others, especially bros because if we help bros then they will never die out via natural selection and we'll have to keep giving the Darwin Awards out every year.

However, option two is now better. Yes, if you can detach from the situation a bit you will find that it is in fact truly hilarious as a moment. You just have to get past every social dictum that's violated by impromptu testicular exposure. Funny. Ha. Yes. This is a move of the defined Anti-Bro

Yet even this option is actually a veiled version of option one. It's a round-about way of saying "You're boyfriend is an ass who treats you like an empty bag of corn chips," but denying one's own belief in this absolute fact, relying on She Who Sleeps With The Accused to come to this same conclusion despite how okay with it one seems to be. This is the move of the Shady Bro.

So which of these plans of attack have I subscribed to? Well, I completely didn't even think of one-upping the bastard until hours later because despite his suspicions I really don't have aims towards his vagina. I know, I realized how good it was then, too. However after much debate I was approached by another Male, whom I trust is a brilliant fellow and just inebriated enough to give perfect uninhibited advice, and we had a quorum. We agreed that the best course of action was simply to file this tidbit of information away in the ol' noggin and let my brah handle it because it's her problem, and eventually she will learn of her bro's habits. Unfortunately, I actually can detach from the situation and I really find it very funny, and I know she would too so it's ind of killing me like the best joke I could tell but OOPS NO IT MIGHT VIOLATE SOME KIND OF TRUST IN GIRL WORLD and of course that leads to yelling in the real world which leads to little Adolf going all blitzkrieg on my ass and attacking Broland after the invasion of Czechbroslovakia.

So I might be able to hold this information for a while yet. Still publishing it on the internet and telling all my friends, but I think I can go without tattling on the prick. Besides, dude's packin' an overnight bag instead of suitcase, if you know what I mean.

(Please note: this is an entirely different variety of douchebag than previously delt with, a Brous Maximus, but is still hilarious.)

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