Saturday, October 10, 2009

On the Decline of Western Civilization: Children's Toys

So I went out with my mother today to find a birthday present for my cousin's kid, who is turning 4 in a couple weeks. I got to play with some Nerf guns and got a steak dinner out of the deal, so go me.

And I saw this monstrosity:

Yes, go ahead and click on that to get the full resolution and full effect. I'll wait.

Alright, and now for the visually impaired who rely on text-to-speech I will try to describe what it is that you're looking at.

It is a children's ride-in Cadillac Hybrid Escalade. It is a tiny version of a giant car that guzzles gas but it's a hybrid but it's actually a toy that runs on a small car battery.

Seriously? Seriously, humanity? I mean really?

There was a little dune buggy. Totally cool with that.

A half-sized ATV? Sure.

The Barbie® Jeep®? Fine. Been around forever. Hell, I had a little fire engine when I was a kid. Even had a water gun, so fine. Take the boy/girl gender performance roles as far as you want. I'm down.

But a Hybrid Cadillac Escalade? Why is that even necessary? Did the regular ride-in children's Escalade just have a carbon footprint too damn big to make the market? Were the spoiled children of lotto winners and passe rappers suddenly stricken with guilt for the millions of dinosaurs that died to make the coal that powers the electric companies that allow their parents to recharge their riding vehicles?

Maybe the other ride-in vehicles just couldn't crush other toys beneath their cold, plastic wheels with the sense of satisfaction a young, budding vehicular manslaughterist dreams of.

On the up-side, I suppose we'll at least see a sharp increase in the number of 6 year-old assholes who die in Tonka Tough rollover accidents.

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