Friday, October 30, 2009

On the Yankees

Full disclosure: I am a nerd. As such, I do not care for any sporting event I do not have money riding on. The odds of me understanding said event are substantially lower.

Fuller disclosure: When I was a small child I chose to grudgingly support the Mets if the issue ever came up, because for some reason I thought I'd rather make my dad happy and my grandfather angry than the other way around.

So the Yankees.

Honestly? I'm not that impressed.

I mean yeah, I'm impressed at how awesome they are, but I mean I'm impressed in the same way I'm impressed at Millard Filmore for being a president. I don't give a crap, but dude must have done something right.

Why do I dislike the Yankees? Well, it's not a real dislike. I am not from Boston. I do not believe the Yankees held a preternatural curse over the Red Sox using a fat drunk's old uniform in some bizarre voodoo ritual that was miraculously lifted after like 80 attempts. Statistically speaking the Red Sox had to win a series eventually. Hell, even the Mets had two good ones.

I do not emotionally sanction the Yankees for utilizing their success to bankroll and extremely overpriced roster that buys the league's most talented players and puts them in a single lineup. That's laissez faire economics, bitches. Just common sense.

No, I feel absolutely nothing for the Yankees because I find them boring.

You heard me.

I find the Yankees boring.

Think. It's like rooting for the other team at the end of Rookie of the Year, and then Henry Rollengardner tears his tendons loose and that fat guy doesn't fall for the floater and he wails on that ball like it was a Fenway Frank.

That evil team with the fat guy? The team it seemed impossibly for the Cubs to beat because they had the best, most over-priced players in the league?

That was the Yankees.

In the movie. That was actually the Yankees. The Cubs needed the squirrelly kid who dumped Tara Reid in American Pie and Gary Busey to beat the Yankees. And a miracle. And Hollywood.

The fact of the matter is the Yankees have won something like 29 of the last 109 World Series. That's ridiculous. I mean if you watch a game, odds are the Yankees are going to win it.Every year, of all the teams on both sides of the MLB, the Yankees have like a 27% chance of beating everyone else.

And I mean dude, I was the type of kid who wouldn't watch "Keenan and Kel" because every episode was the same; fat one covets something, hatches a plan, skinny one objects, is subdued by indulging his addiction to orange soda, hijinks result in both getting grounded, learn nothing.

Congratulations Yankees. You have managed to make outlandish skill and success so commonplace I can't even take you seriously. I can't watch you or even give a rats ass. I kinda wish you'd go away. You're like LOST.


  1. You would probably expect me to tear you apart here for your lack of sporting knowledge.

    Instead, I take umbridge with only one thing in this blog:

    The squirrelly kid from Rookie Of the Year DOES NOT dump Tara Reid in American Pie.

    She dumps him.

    Thank you.

  2. I would agree, but I have two issues I need answered before I am converted. Regardless of what comes of this, however, I will still remain a Yankee fan.

    1) Keenan and Kel would admit at the start of every episode that they already knew the formula of their own show. This makes it ok.

    2) The Yankees are not beating up on the rag-tag group of ... Read Moremisguided misfits, hijink prone jokesters, everymen, mistaken veterans who refind their love of the game, and a 12 year old. They are beating up on the Phillies, who for all intents and purposes beat up on the just mentioned team last year. If there must be a bully in the MLB, then there can only be one. Screw the Phillies. They deserve to lose for beating the Rays last year, who had to pass not one but two bullies in their quest (the other being Boston).


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