Tuesday, October 27, 2009

On Vampirism

Admittedly my positive feelings on vampires ends with the first copyright-questionable Underworld movie and the boob-riddled guilty pleasure that is True Blood. I respect J.K. Rowling for writing well and maturing her lame-ass little wizard characters.

However, as a professional writer, fully endowed with a creative writing degree from a once-respectable university and a wit so grand it seems to overcompensate for something else, I can honestly and expertly say that Stephanie Meyers is the worst thing to happen to goth kids since Hot Topic.

Now there is a conundrum, if you seem it.
  1. One must read Twilight to criticize it effectively or more people will read it
  2. If one reads Twilight more people have already read it
Worse still, if one reads these atrocious tomes she will suffer far worse through the purple prose because she is aware of what good writing is supposed to be.

So how does one manage to avoid the sparkly kids and still bitch like a know-it-all? Sacrifice.

I don't mean to say sacrifice yourself and take on the burden of horrible. I mean a legit throw-a-young-girl-into-the-volcano SACRIFICE.

Yes, I can attest to the expert opinion that Twilight sucks because a colleague made the sacrifice and I watched idly to get her reaction. Granted, she absolutely HAD to read the next three books to find out what happened, but we both agreed that this was like saying a a heroine addict needs another fix to find out what happens to the spoon and the needle. The short version is "Twilight sucks. Officially."

Well now that's not just a crass way of putting it.

I know you're all familiar with The Vamp from Tantus, fine maker of silicone adult novelty smile-items. If you are not familiar with this prosthetic penile attachment (and are absolutely terrified of clicking the link) I shall summarize:

The Vamp® is a sparlky dildo. A sparkly dildo made of silicone, so it can retain either warmth or cold. They emphasize the cold aspect. Heavily. Also, did I mention it sparkles?

I now reaffirm my previous assertion: Twilight sucks.

Now literally! Behold! Count CockulaTM for the succubus-loving man you unrealistically hope will levitate into your life. Yes, that is a fang-toting can of vaguely flesh-like material, featuring a deep tunnel lined with soft, fang-shaped nobs for doing unspeakable things to your coven member's member.

It's times like these I'm thankful for being a fan of zombies. All we ever get is some sprinting complaints and elective surgery jokes.

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