Friday, March 12, 2010

On Going Topless

So I've mentioned a bit recently that I started working out. I'm not even going to pretend like it's for any reason other than looking better. There is no consideration to my overall health involved.

That said, I'm getting tired of having to tell people I'm in shape. Apart from my shirts all fitting a littler differently now, I can't show that I'm in great shape, which is a shame because I'm only doing this to get people to look at me! It's like putting videos up YouTube videos of getting hit in your crotch. No, you don't want to be "Flaming Nutsack Guy," but obviously you do want that.

That said, here are a couple lists I've compiled to help me know when it is and is not appropriate to be showing off:

Times It Is Appropriate to Take Your Shirt Off
  • To work out
  • Before bathing
  • At the beach/pool/water park or when otherwise swimming
  • After the first 30 minutes of yard work, assuming you actually sweat
  • When suddenly needing to make a tourniquet
  • If you have become wet and would prefer to be dry
  • During a sporting event in which you are "skins"
  • If it is really really hot
I wasn't really sure about this one, but it seems to be in line with basic survival, so I'm gonna call it:
  • To show gang affiliation

Times It Is NOT Appropriate to Take Your Shirt Off
  • To prove a point
  • While dancing
  • If you have a horrible tattoo, ever.
  • If you're a fucking mopey werewolf
  • Any time you are watching The Jersey Shore

As a personal note, I would in closing like to inform all my female readers that according to New York State Penal Code §245.01 "Exposure of a Person," it is illegal for a woman to bare the portions of her breasts "below the top of the areola," unless breast feeding, performing or otherwise entertaining in a public setting.

This was overturned by the New York Court of Appeals, however, in the landmark 1992 case People vs. Santorelli, which states a woman may for the sake of equality bare her breasts in public so long as it is not in a commercial context.

So you can show me your boobs, but I can't pay for it. Neat.

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