Friday, November 26, 2010

On Thanksgiving Dinner

My aunt has a habit of clearing people's plates before they've actually finished eating off them, which is kind of ridiculous for an Italian family. She'll still try to send food home with you, because you're too skinny, but God forbid you lay your fork down to grab a napkin or some salt. As soon as you make that lay-down, it's like throwing in the towel. No conversation, no good times, just eating. Everyone eating like ravenous boa constrictors, gulping down their meals in single portions by dislocating their jaws out of fear they might not come across further sustenance for weeks.

The only acceptable reasons to stop eating on Thanksgiving are:
  1. Pass out,
  2. Vomit (which only frees up room for dessert), and
  3. Recently recovering from gastric bypass surgery.
None of this "I'm getting full" crap.

You can have my turkey when you've pried it from my cold, dead, cranberry sauce stained hands.

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