"What's the Deal With Airlines, These Days?"

I heard recently that increased security checks at airports are resulting in pat-downs becoming more like groping.

Honestly, I haven't had a heavy petting session in a while. I'm thinking of booking a trip somewhere just to get to second base.

Can I request a hot, female security officer? I know it's usually guy-on-guy and girl-on-girl, but I'm not so much into that when it's just me and someone else. I saw a female bailiff once who was insanely hot, can I call them up and do an "outcall" security check?

Can I stuff a salami in a rolled up gym sock to get some extra special treatment when I go throw the body scan? Is that how I can get some action? British Airways may take care off you, but Delta gets you there.