Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I May Need to Rent My Body to Find a Roommate - 1300th Blog!

The first apartment I looked at, I kind of just drove through the place looking around. Determining it was sufficiently slummy enough to meet my financial straights, I uncovered the facility office and, thinking it odder to call ahead and then possibly say, "Oh, actually I'm right outside your window if you can do an meeting now, thanks," popped my head in the door.

I mentioned I'd be looking with at least one other guy, and the super proceeded to describe a lovely sounding apartment that had just that day become available–one of the two not belonging to the owner possessing its own washer/dryer–with a fairly cheap price for the area.

I told him it sounded great.

He asked what I did and how much I make, not unreasonable to decipher if rent were to be expected of me. So I told him.

He did not like this. "Can you afford this lace?" he asked.

I was a little put off. Purple prose aside, this was kind of an adulterated shithole. A tad more violet, I say here that I am sure to the fullest of my faculties that adultery took place there in a continuous, unabating, forceful stream of ubiquitous sin.

It dawned on me that perhaps this man, a paragon of exactly how little you would think of a low-grade apartment super, might not understand what I was looking for, not having much experience with the upwardly mobile.

"Well, I'd have a roommate. It's a two bedroom."

"Oh!" he said. "No, this is a loft." And with that we shook hands and said our goodbyes.

It did not occur to me until later that perhaps he heard me mention the second person at the outset, and simply assumed that we were a homosexual coupling, rather than a live-action retelling of Bosom Buddies.

Which is cool, I guess. It means I'm stylish and clean-cut, respectful. I've been confused for an astronomer, a Canadian, and someone who gives a damn, so why not a gay man? After all, I've always wanted to adopt that cute Asian girl Kylie from the old Windows 7 ads.

That's the process for adopting Asian babies, right? You come out and then you can get one?

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