An Open Letter To Sodas That Want to Make Me Dance

Dear Sodas That Want to Make Me Dance:


You Sodas That Want to Make Me Dance are all the same. Pepsi, Coke, Dr. Pepper, Fanta, Sun Drop, you all tell me I should be dancing when I drink you. In fact, you seem to be indicating that drinking you should make me want to dance, even feel the urge uncontrollably. You know who else made you dance against your will?

Beetlejuice.

And that was pretty awesome, but those guys were assholes. I love Michael Keaton, but I don't want my soda to be like Michael Keaton. I want my soda to be like soda.

You and all your proprietary dance moves. If I wanted to Fanta, don't you thinking I would Fanta? Of my own volition? Listen, I don't Macarena, and I don't Fanta. I don't want to Drop It Like It's Hot. Who likes hot soda? It's terrible. Just awful.

I also don't want a soda that gives me duckface after drinking it.

Listen, I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, I'm just telling you if that your job is to get me to drink you, you're not doing that job well. Maybe the distinction is lost on you, I don't know.

Just remember, if I wanted a stomach ache, I'd gorge myself on Thai food, not drink you and then bounce around a lot. I don't even like that vending machines drop my drink three feet before I open it. Are you in league with the antacid crowd?

I've seen what you and Mentos do. I wouldn't be surprised.