5½ Rules for Making A Happy Roommate

1. Never, ever have sex with your roommate, your roommate's significant other, or anyone closely enough related to sit at the same table with your roommate at Thanksgiving.

2. Don't do the tacky sock-on-the-doorknob trick. You're an adult. Be classy. Buy a placard that says, "The penis is in." And if I can hear your music, I can hear why you put up the placard. Food for thought.

3. Do the dishes within one hour of finishing your meal. It is permissible to let large cooking apparati soak no more than 24 hours.

4. Always lock the bathroom.

    4.A. Maybe invest in some extra-long towels. With clips or ties or something.

5. Buy your own everything. It's just easier.