Saturday, June 19, 2010

Creatine Usage Logs

Day 1: Took single creatine pill before workout. Extra energy leads to double to triple normal routine. Felt like I should keep going but muscles stopped working briefly. (Possibly psychosomatic?) Took second pill after. Post-exercise "pump" of +1" to all measurements, lasts all night. Desperately thirsty.

Day 3: Continuing 2 pills daily. Measurements up 1.5" at all times. Energy steady. Consuming many carbs.

Day 6: Ate a loaf of bread as a snack. Hopefully does not overdoing it. +1.75 to most areas.

Day 9: +2.5" on average! Don't know why everyone isn't using creatine. Great thing.

Day 16: Working out about 2 hours daily. Have fallen behind on book. Look hot, though. Pecs are pretty good, arms are ripped, lats surprisingly bulky.

Day 23: Buying bread and pasta daily. Tapped savings for more weights and a new bench. Have nowhere to put it, but it's not like I walk through my room anyway.

Day 30: Chest and arms huge. Still wondering why no one else seems to try this.

Day 40: Can no longer see feet over pecs. Don't care. I can walk on my hands now.

Day 43: Attempted to masturbate. Could not locate testicles. Appear to have shrunken and ascended. Looking at this as a natural form of birth control? Best to stay positive.

Day 56: Working out most of waking day. Almost beach ready. Can just about fit into Ed Hardy shirts. Have become incapable of rolling over in sleep.

Day 65: Hard to sleep on back, but keep doing push-ups if sleep on stomach. Learning to adapt.

Day 73: Aggression is not out of control. I don't know what my friends are talking about. I killed plenty of hookers before I started taking creatine, didn't I?

Day 74: Killed TWO hookers today. Thinking maybe my friends have a point. Must think about it. Going to go out and find another hooker.

Day 86: Was approached to go on a date with Snookie for an episode of Jersey Shore. Figure I can get a free trip to the beach and maybe score some tail on the boardwalk.

Day 87: … Fucked Snookie. Ashamed. On camera. The Situation watched. I think he finished in her Bump-It.

Day 88: Flown back from Jersey overnight. Fractured Snookie's spine attempting to do lunges at inappropriate moment. MTV might be offering me spin-off.

Day 102: Chest is five feet around. Arms at 22 inches each. Furious they will not achieve two-foot status. Furiously curling. Up to 15 pills a day. MTV will not return my calls. Town is out of hookers.


Day ???:
Woke up skinny again in puddle of green sweat wearing only ill-fitting, purple denim shorts. Appear to be in some large crater. Downed military craft all around me. Liv Tyler is saying something annoying. Am considering the benefits of wheat grass juice.

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