Friday, June 18, 2010

On Mini Bikes

Despite my enduring illness, I chose to go out in the sunshine and cool breeze today, endeavoring to blow the germs off me.

This is what I call a lie. In actuality, I went out to play a couple half-assed rounds of Wiffle Ball. However, in doing so I was able to witness a young boy of perhaps fourteen years cruise past on the nearby sidewalk, riding on of these:

This is what is called a "mini bike." You can understand where the name comes from, if you were to look at one and say, "Well, that just sort of looks like a … mini … bike, as it were. Huh."

You hear that last, "Huh," echoing in the back of your head? That's the part of your brain that hears warning claxons every time real life conflicts with supposedly common sense. It's registering "WTF?" or more often, "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!"

Frankly, I have no idea. As best I can figure it's a type of novelty, something First World nations buy out of Brookstone catalogs with rebate checks from the taxes they cheated on, the type of thing that makes people who are well off (but not well enough to actually afford their own) think, "Well, maybe the terrorists do kind of have a point about us."

Let me put it another way: The kind of people who would buy an mini bike are the same people who think that it is alright doing this to their pets –––>

What's that dog thinking? Doesn't he look happy?

NO! He's thinking, "GODDAM IT, YOU FUCKING BITCH, PUT ME DOWN! I AM A DOG! I SHOULD BE ON THE GROUND! YOUR REFUSAL TO LET ME USE MY LEGS IS GIVING ME CANINE DIABETES! DO YOU SEE MY TONGUE OUT?! I'M NOT HAPPY! I'M A DOG; I DON'T SWEAT! THAT IS ME DEHYDRATING AS YOU DRAG ME ACROSS THE BEACH, YOU FUCKING WHORE! WHY DID YOU EVEN BRING ME HERE?! I HAVE SAND IN MY EYES! THIS IS A TERRIBLE PLACE FOR A DOG! GODDAM SHIT ASS!" (I may be paraphrasing.)

These people have no consideration for how things are supposed to be. They see something cool, like a car:
and immediately assume that anything smaller than a regular-sized thing is either hilarious or adorable:






Yes, this might apply to animals, or hand-carved miniatures, or even little metal Monopoly pieces, but the sad fact of the matter is this does not apply to motorcycles.

Let's look at a motorcycle.
Yeah, that's a motorcycle, alright, but it looks a little like the mini bike, doesn't it?

This is what Big Strong Manly Men call a "crotch rocket." You sit like the more receptive partner in a gay relationship, waving your big, brightly colored attention flag which shouts, "Lookit me, lookit me!" as you drive by.


Real men prefer something like this:



Just look at that. That is what, ideally, I will own before I'm thirty-five. That is a black Honda Rebel. It's not some little Japanese sport shit, that's a road bike, technically a touring/cruiser hybrid, with great gas mileage and a starting price of only about three grand. Plus it's a Honda, which means it's actually made in Ohio by American jobs. This is the bike you get as a first bike, something to dent and ding and wipe out in so you're all practiced by the time you get one of these:

Yeah, babe. That's a Harley. No one questions your heterosexuality (out loud) when you're blasting down the street on one of these monsters. These things start at an asking price the same as a foreign car, dude. A foreign car with options added.

Even with a gay little windshield and a bitch seat and the sissy bar and a couple of those saddle bags I can't stand strapped to its motor-ass like a combustion pack mule, these animals look sick.
I'm probably going to stick just to the Rebel because I know I'm not man enough for one of these. That's how badass these are.

Which brings me to my final point: smaller versions of things are cuter than regular-sized versions of things if those regular things are already supposed to be cute. Tiny versions of many things are not manly. Tiny motorcycle? Not manly. Tiny King Kong? Regular monkey.

In fact Manly Things only get progressively more manly when they get bigger.









Manly beer. Manly steak. (That's one steak.) Manly giant saw thing.

I guarantee you no man riding a giant motorcycle will look as stupid as a man riding on a ridiculous little mini bike.























Alright, unless it's wearing tiny little training wheels. But still only maybe, then.

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