Monday, June 28, 2010

On Vegitarianism

To eat a fucking cheeseburger.

Whenever I think of vegetarianism, I think of Mitch Hedberg's one joke about wishing he just had one long, curvy tooth. I like to think this is what people would be like if they were supposed to be herbivores and, trust me, that's what some people are. They don't only eat vegetables, they eat all plant matter. There aren't even such things as vegeatables, botanically speaking.

I have all these arguments for why people are supposed to eat meat; we have incisors made for incising, rending flesh from bone, we have our eyes on the front for predatory binocular vision, the sheer quantity of (regionally highly non-diverse) produce you would have to consume to make up for the drop in protein intake is staggering, any argument of animal cruelty can easily be countered by buying (expensive-ass) organic, free-range, and cruelty-free. and have you ever tasted how delicious some animals are, hot damn.

Swear to Jebus, some animals are just ugly, dumb, ornery creatures we likely would have hunted to extinction out of spite were they not incredibly useful.
  • Chickens - the closest remaining parallel to a velociraptor, in size and attitude.
  • Hogs - so many flavors, eats damned near anything and cannot function in most temperate climates. Also incredibly useful for medical testing/spare parts. Tiny Pigs are cute, hogs are dumb, fat and ugly, but also delicious.
  • Cows - they're slow, stinky and will graze a field to death in under a year. Additionally, they have been domesticated completely, such that there are no wild cows (Bos taurus). They serve no ecological purpose except that their farts produce excess methane and exist now only at our pleasure.
I thought I'd have to use some of these arguments eventually, but all the die-hard vegetarians I've ever knows are just really nice people who never want to push their habits on others. Some were just raised herby, others were shown one too many videos about the meat processing industry. Still others were guilted into it and convinced of the health practices, but I've been specifically told to not tell other vegetarians about their 100% relapse rate among quality hamburgers.

So I've devised a plan. I shall consume extra meat to make up for all the meat my emaciated, sickly friends with acne pass over.

When I eat a burger, I want at least one extra animal to have died for it, preferably a pig for some bacon. If you include the cruelty angle, I demand that all of my beef patties be topped with the curdled result of molesting a different cow (because we all know dairy cows are bread to different traits than beef cattle). If you include a side of chicken nuggets, I require three animals to be killed and a fourth molested, just to get my Wendy's fix. (Five, when you consider that honey-mustard is also comprised of mayonnaise and mayo is made from eggs, eggs coming from egg-chickens and not meat-chickens).

Shit, people, when I order a salad I think back to That '70s Show's Red Forman: "This isn't food. This is what food eats." Now I love salads too, but work with me here. It I really have my way, I'm eating bacon of my salad. And cheese. Or maybe I'm just having a chicken Caesar salad. With cheese.

Guys, when I eat a salad I need at least two animal products on top of it! I've eaten things I can't pronounce because they're delicious. I'm a true omnivore! I eat pretty much everything!

Except seafood. That shit's just gross.

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