Saturday, June 26, 2010

On The Truth About Cats & Dogs

Yup, that's a hairball, alright … and IIIIIIIIII helped!"

I'm going to be very honest with you.

I have never seen Cyrano de Bergerac, nor do I even like "Roxanne" by the Police. I neither have seen The Truth About Cats & Dogs and particularly dislike Uma Thurman's face, though like all good misanthropes I harbor an unrequited geek-crush on Janeane Garofalo.

I'm willing to bet this is for the same reasons I like cats better than dogs.

I know, I know, I'm a traitor to men everywhere, whose ancestors hunted with their semi-tamed wolf partners to bring down enormous prey and eat its delicious, delicious flesh-bits.

Fuck it. Dogs smell bad. I know men smell bad, but I try really hard not to. I'm not even allergic to dander in the slightest, I just don't like how dogs smell. I don't like that that scent gets all over you immediately as you touch one, that it's not even completely water soluble and takes some serious scrubbing to get off. Cats? Cats are fuckin' OCD about bathing themselves. On top of that they don't do much all day long. They don't get tired and pant since they can't sweat. When a cat gets hot they just know to cut it the hell out and lay down 'til it cools off.

Cats are lazy. Not only does this keep them from smelling just awful–or at all; you really have to get a facefull of cat to smell anything off them–it also means they don't require a lot of maintenance. Feed a cat and change its litter box every so often. The cat will take care of the rest himself.

Cats are dicks. We recognize our own and they appreciate my bluntness, my honesty and my aloof attitude. The nastiest cats in the world love me, because I don't cause them grief and I don't pump out fear-mones like they're paleolithic giants and I'm a tiny, wounded gazelle of some kind, an impala, perhaps.

Do you know what it feels like to get that unconditional love from a pet or another human being? Doesn't it feel much better when you actually respect the other creature? When you feel like you've earned that love and deserve it?

Of course it doesn't. You're dog people. All you want is someone to throw you another stick to fetch.

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