Wednesday, September 22, 2010

On Being Bi-Curious

I mentioned earlier that it took me a long time to admit to myself my own inner Pirate-ness. In fact I've long been toying with a long, anime-scale television series focusing on a ninja who becomes stranded on a desert island and must pose as a pirate to secure passage to his home port. It would have been initially funny and later more serious and heartfelt. It would be titled "Bi-Curious: The Life and Times of A Ninja Pirate."

The one thing that always kept me from believing I was not on Team Ninja was my grace and stealth. Frankly, I have a habbit of sneaking up on people. I don't mean to. I mean, sometimes I completely mean to, but I frequently sneak when I have no intention of sneaking.

Apparently I walk softly. My footfalls come light and quiet, trained through years of living with other people who for some reason to not keep to a predominantly nocturnal schedule. I'm good at keeping quiet as I walk over squeaky stairs and creaky floorboards. I know where to step and the ancient ninja methods of landing the foot flat with its weight dispersed.

Unfortunately, I only weigh about 133 pounds, so when I tread lightly I really go full-on stealth. I just end up arriving in people's blind spots. Eventually they turn around and I've been the asshole who freaks them out for the hell of it. I don't enjoy that. It completely changes the direction of a conversation that I have very likely been waiting several minutes to carefully worm my way into.

Do you know what it's like to wear giant boots and still have to purposefully make clunky walking noises to keep other people comfortable?

It's a good thing Han Solo made space pirates cool, cowboy-lookin' dudes. Otherwise I'd just be completely confused about myself.

Who isn't a little stereotype-curious for Han Solo?

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