Tuesday, December 22, 2009

On Gnostcism

"HMM…. Did I remember to turn off the
trebuchet when I left? Crap this is going to bother me all century."

You may remember from my previous rant that I am not one for people complaining about Christmas being coopted by "nontraditional forces."

Interestingly, however, I am also not one for the 837,000 (approximate) History Channel specials every December about Who Was Jesus? Now you might question this logic? If I am by no means Christian, what is my beef against science-izing the crap out of the whole Jesus story?

Simply: it is pride.

I liked being the only guy around who thought the Council of Nicaea was a bigger traitor to Jesus than Judas. I enjoyed having all kinds of wonky Gnostic parables kept up inside my head. The point is, I liked causing trouble for the Catholic church. You know, in my own small little way, at least.

But now even the everyday lapsed Christian knows that Dan Brown stole all the juicy bits of The DaVinci Code from Holy Blood, Holy Grail, and that half the canonized gospels are based off the other two, neither of which was likely written by the supposed authors and both of which are known to have embellished or removed certain unseemly details.

Nowadays, pretty much everyone knows Jesus had siblings. Granted, most people only know this from watching Kevin Smith's Dogma, or Tom Hanks' blank-stare-fest, but a few people can actually find them in the Bible. ('Course I'm still the only one who remembers Jimmy Christ was one of the first cardinals of Rome.)

Frankly, everyone learning all kinds of cool, forgotten history is taking the fun out of having held that super secret knowledge all these years. It's like the Templar Knight from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade; where the hell did he go once the mountain fell in on itself? You stay there for a thousand years guarding the Holy Grail, ostensibly using it to stay alive until someone worthy can arrive and just take it from you? Who's more worthy than a Templar? Nazi dude? Nope, he died predictably. Harrison Ford? Really? You were just gonna let Harrison walk off with the grail? He needed a frickin' cheat sheet just to get in. Then everyone's an asshole and the magic cup is lost forever. DUDE. Step in and maybe do something? Don't let these little posers walk in and steel your good shit, man.

Sucks being a religious hipster, is all I'm saying.

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