Monday, December 7, 2009

On Twilight

My friends, I'm sorry.

I've had a realization. You see, Twilight is my fault.

Today I wandered out of Walmart and passed someone who was clearly one of the People of Walmart. She was a flabberly 280 pounds of pure girl (not woman) in an all-black sweatsuit, matched with black horn-rimmed glasses, pasty skin and a tight mouse brown ponytail. In fact the only color I could really see was the enormous graphic on her already sizable full-zip hoodie.

The days of the Lone Wolf T-Shirt are over, my friends. This girl's jacket was actually a sharp-jawed sparkled jockey staring absently into space, superimposed over an unnaturally large green moon and an anorexic redhead. The words TEAM EDWARD were emblazoned across the region I would generally refer to as a woman's breasts, but for the fact that on this specimen they were rather more like one part of an already almost spherical torso which, I assume functioning much like solid-body planetary masses, bulges outward noticeably at the equator due to rotational velocity.

That was the moment I longed for the return of crazed Harry Potter enthusiasts. Goddam, those kids were hardcore by comparison. Hell, I've caught up on the movies, and though I still refuse to actually read a Potter novel I still know the gist of it, and that shit gets harsh at the end. I'm not exactly positive on this, but I'm pretty sure in the last book Harry Potter drops out of school with his two friends and cruises the world in his dead uncle's car looking for pieces of an evil wizard's soul to kill. Shit is tight, son.

And let's face it: when Harry Potter first came out it was intended for the 9-12 demographic, but after 7 books those kids are legitimately pushing the definition of teen now. Harry Potter fans can drive. They're punks and skaters and play in ska bands. Some of them are actually attractive women, guys. This is insane. But kind of awesome, too. These weirdos grew the hell up. Daniel Radcliffe's got a beard now; what's up with that?

And sadly, I wished them away. I spent so much time hating them for annoying me that by the time I'd accepted Harry Potter fans as a mere annoyance at there worst, all that hatred and desire for a distraction came to a head sprang forth an epic Big Bang of Awful Writing in the heart of some undersexed Mormon housewife named for her father.

I wished upon a monkey's paw, my friends, and I got fisted.


  1. Out of everything horrible about Twilight, your number one reason for hating it is because its fans are ugly?

  2. Oh, hardly. This was just its agent for catalyzing the whole thought process. Truth be told, I dislike Twilight because of poor writing, then poor acting. But the superseding reason is simply that it's become insanely popular – despite its faults – among a fanatical, zealous fanbase that doesn't understand that it's poor writing.

    At least Harry Potter grew up. Bella becomes a teenage baby momma.


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