Thursday, December 17, 2009

On Modesty

Throughout most of my life I've valued calm, classy awesomeness over any other outward display of power. Frankly, it's not a sense of superiority if you are superior but don't act like it. Additionally, the more awesome skills you develop the more opportunities you have for nonchalantly being kickass in public. And I assume this gets you women or some such thing.

But today I decided I'm tired of that.

From now on I am going to find life's gonads and do many a violent thing to them in metaphoric displays of aggressive purposefulness. I want to make a living as a writer and that means everyone needs to know who I am and read my books. That means they need to pay money and I need to become well-off and well-known. FAME AND FORTUNE AWAIT!

That said, I assume I will be asked in interview at some point

A) Where do you get your inspiration from? and

B) What do I need to do to be a great writer?

As a soon-to-be famous author I will be well-qualified to answer these questions, which is why everyone is going to ask me them constantly. Thus, I have developed answers beforehand in order to save time and make for some good press.

Q: From where do you get your inspiration?

A: The beard. Seriously. All great men knew this. Sampson's hair applies to all genius. Einstein's mustache, Abe Lincoln's chin pubes, Da Vinci's face mop, even Hitler's toothbrush, all seats of tremendous power. Most of my friends know me as snarky and sarcastic, which I can only attribute to the goatee I've had since I was fourteen. Let the rest grow in a few days for real genius to sprout, then trim it back as needed with clippers. If you have to go clean-shaven at any point, be prepared to sacrifice two days of brilliance until you get the requisite stubble back.

Q: What do I need to do to be a great writer?

A: Get Hungry.

And I don't mean like a metaphorical hungry, hungry for adventure, hungry for success and fame and money. No. I mean literally get hungry. I don't know why, but it seriously helps. Maybe blood sugar shifts. Maybe you're just trying really hard to concentrate on anything but food. Maybe you think of getting to eat as a reward for your hard work. Maybe it's just no one wants to hear from any artist who isn't starving. If you're full and content what the hell do you have to say that anyone is going to be interested in reading? Skip a meal. Get a sandwich when you're done.

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