Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Victoria's Secret: Unnaturally Unattainable Isn't Good Enough


That's right, ladies. It's time to upgrade to the newest model.

Your boobs, not the bra. What did you think I meant?

Yes, it's true. You need to go under the knife yet again. Do you see these women? They're disgusting. They've already had two boob jobs and they still need a push-up!

Honestly, it's just pathetic, and it doesn't even cover all their bills to personal trainers and nutritionists and drug dealers prescription dieticians. They should really try to get their money back.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Gospel According to Lady Gaga

What the fook do ya need a dog-penis gun for?! Okay, Rambo.

I did a Second-By-Second Breakdown of "Bad Romance" about a year and a half ago and I'm not intending to go back to that any time soon. Nor do I plan on a long rant as I did when "Telephone" Was Blasted As Child Poison.

All I'm going to point out here is that Jesus is Rick Gonzalez, the dorky best friend from defunct sitcom "Reaper," while Judas is none other than Boondock Saint Murphy MacManus and The Walking Dead's most hold-me-back fan favorite Daryl, Norman Flipping Reedus.


NORMAN. REEDUS.

He's the Boondock Saint who isn't confused for Colin Ferrell. And Jesus is the Hispanic kid from Old School?


Yeah, I'd probably go with Gaga on this one. Judas is way more badass, though I suppose it must take a lot of courage and skull-breaking for a young Dominican boy to take over control of a predominantly white, redneck biker gang in what appears to be the American Southwest. He must get a lot of Mexican jokes.

But then again, I suppose he just turns the other cheek.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Hitler Cat Can Haz Final Solutionz


If I believed in a hell I'd- well, let's face it, I'd have not done a lot of really funny things by this point.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER!…itty-bitty living space

This is one of those times where I lament all the major news going on in the world for taking up the entire news cycle and preventing the world from hearing some of the truly weird stuff going on.

Don't get me wrong, I love hearing the government admit we've been using stealth drones and heavily modified, tactical stealth helicopters for years longer than we've admitted they exist, or that SEAL Team 6 has a German shepherd with tougher body armor than most state troopers.

Still, the rest of the world is kind of kerploding.

It was one thing to neglect mentioning that Egyptian former president Mubarak basically had a heart attack over getting called in by his country's supreme court for "questioning." There was the whole 'sudden conflagration of violence in Syria' thing, and it looked like that fight was going to be a lot messier, what with the insane dictator order cruise missile strikes against peaceful protestors.

Easy mistake.

And of course we only stopped mentioning that when a half-dozen other nations started imploding, but we maybe, maybe would have kept at it until oh gee, we found and killed Osama bin Laden after ten years. Alright, that's a pretty big deal. I mean, that's one for the books. Obama can pretty much write his own ticket after that one. I'm not sure what one does after being the leader of the free world–generally die–but he's a young guy, he can go places. I know Taft served as a supreme court justice afterward. Still, I think "one of the youngest presidents ever" and "first black president" would be enough for some people. Now adding "caught the most reviled American enemy since Hitler" and "personally ordered and watched the death live," it's almost like over achieving. What, you want to be the first president on Mars, too?

*Side note: I just read yesterday that Obama actually cracked a joke after a 6' tall SEAL
laid out next to the body of bin Laden to verify the body by height, quipping,
"We donated a $60 million helicopter to this operation. Could we not afford to buy a tape measure?"
Classic 'Bam.

Well here's the story-of-the-week you'll never hear on the nightly broadcasts:

Psychopath Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad has apparently gone so insane, that he has had increasing tensions with Shi'a Islamic cleric and official Supreme Leader of Iran, the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Yes, he's picking fights with his boss, who we used to support until his predecessors turned out to be even more violent and bad-for-business than the guy before them.


So now the Ayatollah's religious police have begun arresting Ahmadinejad's highest ranking supporters on charges of sorcery.


Let that sink in. Socery. They are formally being charged with summoning djinn to support Mahmud's crazed and counter-productive personal goals. One was described as "a man with special skills in metaphysics and connections with the unknown worlds."

Alright, that sounds pretty badass.

But sadly, there aren't any genies here, as far as can be told. It really just looks like the Ayatollah's getting worried that Ahmadinejad's Chief of Staff, this guy named Mashaei, is getting a lot more influence and might be groomed to be a successor. They're saying he's an evil sorceror and is possibly responsible for a documentary which claims the return of the Shi'a messiah figure is imminent, something the Ayatollah's group says cannot be predicted.

So, obviously, he's a witch.

The scariest thing is that as far as the rest of Western Society is concerned, it might actually be best if these guys get tossed from power by their own government, because for once the last craziest guys might be easier to work with than the new craziest guys. At least they don't deny that the holocaust ever happened. (They still hate Jews/Zionists, but hey, at least they admit it happened.)

"I tell ya, I don't get no respect."

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Gastroenterology: Scam or Fraud?

I'm pretty sure gastroenterology as a whole is an elaborate ruse by doctors. Secretly, everything is still governed by the four humors: blood, phlegm and the black and yellow biles.

My reasoning is actually quite sound. No stomach problem can be overcome while still wearing pants.

Have a stomachache? Take your pants off. No, don't just grab a pair with a loose waist like it's Thanksgiving evening, take them off completely. Lock yourself in your bedroom if you have to, you're probably already planning on that part since you're obviously no fun anymore. Just take 'em off already.

Usually, that does the trick all on its own. Not cured by just a few hours of laying in bed without those pants? Fine. Go to the hospital. Do you know the first thing they're going to do?

Make you take your pants off and sit on a funny table.

And should they decide that you need your bile readjusted or some such manner of fluid adjustment? Do they give you antacid? Nah. They decide they need to cut you open and play with your insides. But do you really know what they're doing while you're asleep?

They just leave you lying on a gurney for a few hours wearing only your hospital gown.

Sure, they cut and stitch your stomach to make it look good, but that's all an illusive ploy to keep from you the simple truth:

No medical problem can be solved while you're still wearing pants.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Literary Porn Star Names

  • William Shakes Spear
  • Emanuel Kunt
  • Flannery O'Cummer
  • James Joys
  • Jack-Off London (Call of the Wild, co-starring Oscar Wild)
  • The Earl of Whorechester
  • Mark E. DeSade (100 Days of Sodomy)
  • W.E.B. Do-Boys
  • Philip Kay Dick (Do Androids Dream of Electric Vibrators?)
  • Isaac Assymove
  • Chuck Polehook (like anyone can pronounce that anyway)
  • Charlotte's Perky Gilman (The Yellow Wallpaper now sounds like a watersports video)
  • Jorge Luis Engorges
  • Albert Cockmus
  • Shirley Jacks-On (Who will win The Ladyboy Lottery?)
  • Jill Updyke
  • Edgar Allen Poo
  • Katherine Anne Porkher
  • Zora Neale HurtsSon (Obviously another BDSM star)
  • William Faulkher
  • Maya & Jelu (twins)

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Household Tips for the Swinging Bachelor/Supervillain

  • Only bring single girls back to your place. You do not want their boyfriend getting all riled up and busting down the giant, titanium-alloy door to your fortress.

  • Have one pair of underwear you absolutely hate wearing. That pair is now motivation for Laundry Day. Alternately, it can be used as your "Earth-2" costume.

  • Wash any cutlery, cooking implements, tableware or torture chambers immediately after use so you don't have to later when you're tired and lazy.

  • If your roommate leaves dirty crap in the sink, throw acid in his face.

  • Eventually, the guy you really hate is going to show up uninvited. Best to be courteous until he leaves, then exact you intricate and frightening revenge.

  • Kill as many hookers and crack-heads as you want, so long as they weren't at one time somehow related to someone powerful.

  • Henchmen/sublets will have more respect for your things than your regular cohorts. Because they're worried you might kill them.

  • It is inappropriate to have a Batman poster hanging over your couch.