On Gift Giving

"You're sure this was all on his Amazon wishlist, right, Balthazar?"

I have a small problem when it comes to giving gifts of thanks and good cheer around the holidays:

I am too good at it.

I find many of my problems seem to revolve around this concept of the "Humblebrag" I've heard of recently, but in this case, it's an actual problem I legitimately have to consider before engaging others in society. My presents are just too amazing and it infuriates people.

A couple years ago, I got my non-romantical hetero soul mate a print of a unique painting she liked and commented on offhandedly months earlier. I later bought the original myself meaning we now have matching artwork. While I loved the gift she gave me, she was so enamored with her painting that she got angry at me. We had to have a long conversation in which I assured her of my gratefulness and apologized for ruining all other gifts forever.

This summer I gave her an Ewok. She was too happy to be mad this time.

She's just come to accept that I give the perfect presents. She doesn't think she'll ever know me and my tastes as well as I can seemingly know anyone's with a little effort, but she can at least absorb it now without going into a berserker rage.

That is why this year I am endeavoring to give a gift so amazing that she actually loses control of her bodily functions.

Not the excretory functions, mind you, not the gross stuff. I just want her to hyperventilate a little, cry and go into hysterics, maybe get a little nauseated but just a little. I want her to be physically unsettled by the severity and cunning of her gift, such that she will need to remove herself from the room, abscond to the kitchen, and find some type of food to regulate her blood sugar levels.

I don't even care how much she yells at me. I have only my old 'best-times' to beat, and I aim higher now than ever before. Paintings, Ewoks, one-of-a-kind screen-printed underpants emblazoned with the Earl of Rochester, these are bars I have set only for myself, as they remain well out of reach to most others. It's time to leap higher.

So if we do an office secret Santa, what I'm saying is, "Pray to baby Jesus I draw your name."