Thursday, April 21, 2011

Facebook Features I Wish Would Be Implemented

  • A 'Sympathize' button - not a 'Dislike' button, because I know that'd immediately turn into a whole big to do over who or what is the most despised and that's no good. I just want a button that says, "I concur with your status but it would be linguistically and socially inappropriate to say I 'like' it." Aw, your grandma just died? 'Sympathize' button. I don't know her, I can't say anything about her or your religious beliefs, but damn it I can sure empathize with your situation!

  • A 'How do you know this person?' for 'I know a friend of yours and we've never met but I think you're super attractive.' - This one's pretty self-explanatory. Somehow, even after abolishing the .edu email requirements, Facebook hasn't devolved into MySpace's level of friend-anybody, oh-that's-probably-a-spambot hijinks. I just want to be friends with more pretty girls, but it jut seems rude to say, "You're pretty, I'd like to Friend Request you, if you know what I mean."

  • No little heart when I update my relationship status - Small adjustment. It's just awkward when you are "no longer listed as single" and you have to explain, "No, I just took that info down. I'm not dating anyone." Worse, every time you go from "In a relationship" to "single" and on top of the flood of faux-sympathizers and would-be sex vultures you have to look at that happy little heart right next to the words "no longer."

  • Free Pizza and Ice Cream Fridays
I have gotten exactly zero tail from my name being so similar to
Mark Zuckerberg's. Though I haven't tried. Still, I've gotten more interest
out of telling people I directed "Phone Booth" and that Colin Farrell is a great guy.

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