Tuesday, April 12, 2011

"It's Not Delivery, It's Far, Far Worse…"

"It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno!" How many times do you hear that? Solidly probably once a day. Every other at its most seldom? Maybe it's the fat black guy who lies to his wife about letting his friends destroy their white carpet by tracking mud and dirt through it right after they paid to have it professionally cleaned. What's his clever cover? "But the pizza came with cheesy breadsticks!"

Because the only thing better than pizza
is pizza with more bread, cheese and marinara.
Yes, he truly believed that having purchased a microwavable pizza-like dinner product that came with bread sticks was enough to pass blame off to a fictional pizza delivery man who for some reason was allowed to enter a home, walk into the living room and deliver his charge, all while ruining the carpet the homeowner just paid for in front of the guy.

Because bread sticks.

But DiGiorno wasn't satisfied shilling crap pizzas and crap pizzas + "breadsticks." They had to break into the poultry racket. That's why they came up with DiGiorno Pizza + "Wyngz."

At least I think it's technically considered poultry. I'm even fairly sure they can call it "chicken" and "white meat" since that's how the box reads, but you will readily notice that they are not legally allowed to refer to the product as "wings." I'll let you draw your own terrible conclusions from that choice bit of information.

And now they're just starting to go crazy, it seems. The latest concoction is DiGiorno Pizza + Nestle Toll House Cookies.

Yes, they are packaging a pizza with another brand's product, one which should really include raw egg and liquid dairy, therefor being ineligible for either being frozen or sitting around in a supermarket as long as I imaging any DiGiorno pizza would. I know they're done both already, but I speak from experience on this: if you consume even 20% of a package of raw, pre-cut cookie dough, you will enter into a sugar and egg daze that lasts for at minimum 36 hours and you will black out during the last half of your Math final. DiGiorno might be trying to kill you.

Oh, but not will their raw cookie dough. I just meant that DiGiorno is to frozen pizza what Denny's is to a balanced diet for sober people.

It doesn't even look appetizing on the box, guys. How can you do that? How can you make a product so awful it won't even look edible when it's been flash-fried, blowtorch grilled and shellacked with a mixture of butter, acrylic yellow paint and industrial sealant? That bread looks uncooked, the cheese looks lukewarm and the pepperoni isn't even crispy, goddamit. I don't even see sauce.

What happened, DiGiorno? Did you finally realize your product was so terrible you couldn't sell it unless you were forcibly packaging it with other products that look more appealing? Was that it? Did you get a hold of Domino's and their (completely futile) "We're better than this" ad campaign?

Bryce from Minnesota, Domino's still sucks. Hard.
DiGiorno, who are you trying to beat? I'm pretty sure you already have a stranglehold on the Frozen Pizza Name Recognition Market. You don't have anything to prove there. You don't have to compete with Domino's. That would be like trying to compete in T-ball where everyone gets on base. Jesus, even Pizza Hut gave up and started pushing their passable zitti platters over actual pizza, and "pizza" is in their name.

Just stop, DiGiorno. We don't like you. We don't want you. Every person in America is already a huge fatass. And it's actually because of that that we all know when it comes to microwavable pizza, Mama Celeste is the only way to go. Unless you're jonesin' for some French bread pie, then you hit up the Red Baron for a little gastronomic dogfighting. Under no circumstances should you ever get a DiGiorno pizza.

I mean, unless you're trying to make a microwave pizza ironically. Then by all means, kill yourself for performance art. That'll be pretty sweet.…I mean "swe3+z."

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