Saturday, April 2, 2011

An Open Letter To My Internet

Hey, fuck you, Internet. You don't want to work for me? You want to tell my computer that you're working just fine but not transfer any data to or from my house? Really? After all the delightful content I've provided you? All the good times? All the goddam porn I've watched on you?

I thought you were cool, Internet. I really did. In fact, I still kind of do. I can understand that this is a momentary slip-up. It's happened before, I'd understand, but it's the way you go about telling me. You keep hiding it, pretending like nothing's wrong and hoping I won't notice. You're acting like Sammi from "Jersey Shore."

No, I'm not calling you Sammi; I'm saying you're acting like Sammi. I know you're better than that. You know you're better than that. You can just tell me you're having service problems, baby. I'd understand that. We don't have to do this every night. I know sometimes you need your space. But you don't have to lie about it.

And you know what? I can still do me.

I don't have to put up with this kind of nonsense. I have a jailbroken iPhone with tethering and an unlimited data plan. I hooked that shit up as soon as I knew you were playing me. There wasn't anything wrong with my modem, you were just trying to hide the truth.

But I respect you.

That's why I turned off the tethering. (That and it's slow and I'm paranoid AT&T might notice the sudden explosion in data usage on an unlimited plan that doesn't already pay extra for tethering.)

Right now, I'm writing this from my phone, using regular old 3G and the official Blogger application. I'm not sneaking behind your back even though it might be easy, or because it might feel like I'm getting back at you.

I don't want that type of relationship. Not with you. Not with anybody.

Please come home, Internet. Please just stop the lying and the running away and come home and talk with me.

I miss you.

I love you.

You don't have to do everything on your own. Just trust in me to support you as much as you support me. I'm a big man if you look to see it.

Please bring my porn back.

-Your heat sink snuggle bottom

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