Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Haha woo! It's been a great run! Regular dick jokes resume tomorrow, but for today, let me indulge my autobio bug.

This blog started as an on-going assignment for a comedy writing class I took, just something to get everyone writing every day. I was the only one to do this. In fact I can guarantee that no more than six or seven of the thirty people in that class ever bothered to even start a blog. Certainly I was the only person to update consistently. Hell, even the illustrious Professor Ryan Vaughan, D.F.A. quit his bloggetries after a few months.

What I'm trying to say is I am way more awesome than the rest of the people I know. One of the few things Vaughan said has stuck with me. It was this:

"When you walk into a room, you have to truly believe you are the funniest person in that room. And it's going to be true. I mean unless you're in a room with me, because I'm obviously funnier than you."

It's that little bit of doublethink, that mind-over-matter that allows people like Dane Cook and from an acting/not-funny parallel Matthew McConaughey to exist and gain success.

Well I find it hard to reconcile this fact of life with my own, skeptic views, especially since self-deprecation is so damned funny, and in my case easy.

I'm funny. I'm probably funnier than all of you. However you can probably beat me up, so you've got that going for you. I'm assuredly funnier than most of the people in the English speaking world, on the sheer basis that I'm smarter than most people but less empathetic. I think there are absolutely some people so stupid that they should have been picked off by lions as the weakest members of the herd were we all special and unique zebras. Natural selection favors the strong, the smart, the quick. Granted, I'd probably fail to ever procreate anyway, thus damning my genetic line of brilliant, snarky omega-male genes. But still, I'm willing to lift weights and get some fitted shirts if it means fewer people marrying humanity's evolutionary potholes.

But I'm getting off point. The problem is I can't prove this. I can't refute the possibility that one of you reading this is funnier than me. Maybe Jason Segel reads this and is just really really shy about contacting me. (Jason, it's okay. I'm here for you if you need anything.) I mean he's probably not, but I just can't prove it.

But what I can prove is that I am funnier in more places than any of you pissants.

The following is a list of the only U.S. states my blog has not been viewed from since I started tracking that in late October:
  • Alabama
  • Alaska
  • Idaho
  • New Mexico
  • North Dakota
  • Oklahoma
  • Rhode Island
  • South Dakota
  • Wyoming
Now, I'm discounting Alaska because it's mostly empty space, like the inside of an atom or the volume of a spinning propeller. Or your mother's cavernous reproductive organs.

In fact that could be said of all those locations. Except for Rhode Island, which considering its size and the number of hits I have from surrounding states should be discounted anyway, there really aren't any people or things of note in these locations. There's oil we refuse to tap, a big sculpture, potatoes and new Mexicans. These are actually the states Americans joke about as being backwoods hick locales, and the places Frenchmen assume are indicative of all the other places. Boo that, I say.

But I can do better. Here is a list of some more exotic countries that think I am hilarious:
  • Australia
  • Brazil
  • Canada (go ahead and discount it, even though somebody there loves me)
  • Ethiopia
  • Finland
  • Germany
  • India
  • Israel
  • Japan
  • Laos
  • Malaysia
  • Malta
  • New Zealand
  • Norway
  • Pakistan
  • Portugal
  • Singapore
  • Sri Lanka
  • Ukraine
  • The United. Arab. Emirates.
That's not even counting the British or the French. The French think anything is funny, from what I can tell. But guys! I have the Jews, the Arabs and the Germans. In fact I seem to be most popular

A) In my home county
B) In Canada/Socialist Europe
C) In Third World nations, mostly Southeast Asia

So hell yeah, me! Go ! Woo! I'm an internationally known blogger!

And somehow I've actually managed to get some real writing done too. Who'd figure?

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed all my ramblings as much as I've enjoyed screaming them into the ether with the brief, futile hope that someone is hearing them and drawing up a multi-book contract at their publishing house.

That all said, I hope you love me. More if you are attractive. And female. Or female-looking; I'm very accepting.

To further this, I have spent many hours deciphering Blogger's machine code and photoshopping images, so now the page will appear all cool and widescreen. Plus, you may have noticed the cool Doggy motif up in the header. Well if you didn't notice it now and then maybe walk your eyes over to the right and check out the super-cool award I've given myself.

You know, for being so funny.

1 comment :

  1. Your best work, other than the misuse of "herd."
    I definitely love you.


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