Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Think Scary Thoughts

When I imagine jumping in front of a speeding city bus, and the notion seems an overreaction, then I know that I am not suicidal.

Today I considered becoming a functioning alcoholic. I may only have a few drinks a month, but having enjoyed quite a few more than that over my recent vacation, I find I went back to work only grudgingly, considering a shot of courage to ease the bitter medicine that is tech support.

I recognize the social frowning upon of drinking before work. Very unprofessional. And yet the thought came slowly, from the ground up as it congealed into a real possibility. If I were nervous and unhappy, why not take a relaxant? What harm is that but for the possibility of growing dependent? Truly, would drinking a beer at lunch be any worse than the Red Bull I guzzle every few days to stay awake?

And the thought frightens me, because short of seeing it as an emotional crutch, I find no qualms with this line of behavior. Mad Men may be horrifyingly excessive, but a grown adult can certainly enjoy a single beer at lunch without being called a drunkard on-the-clock. Honestly, it frightens me more that I would require such a crutch.

So I choose to neither be a drunkard, nor a caffeine addict. I choose to soldier on sober and with a bit of malice in my heart because it is a part of me not to be drowned or overlooked. If I am frightened or unhappy to do what must be done, I will acknowledge that and perform my duties regardless, because to simply complete those duties to the best of my ability without slack or chemical aid pushes my natural limits. Frightening thoughts only prove that I am still considering every possible universe in front of me, even those I and others find unattractive. It's a comfort, to meet my own rigorous standards and to find I have something more left to give.

My friends tell me there's a point in drinking beyond regular drunk, where you become more awake and manageable, where to stop drinking is to fall asleep. You go beyond drunk. It's the Super Saiyan of drinking. Frankly, after my BAC tops about 0.01 I want to take a nap. As much as it might help my image as a crotchety old lush/writer, I think I'm going to steer clear of the Hemmingway school of thought.

Unless I really need a nap, then I'm hitting up happy hour.

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