Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Friend Zone: Scourge of Nice Guys Everywhere

Comment with contact info or email me directly at Dave @ soundadoogymakes dot com.
Yes, I'm really helping with this.
 The Friend Zone might be the second worst thing about dating. In fact, the only trouble I can consider even more scathing than hearing the phrase, "Aww, you're such a good friend! What would I do without you?" is The Great Lie.

The Great Lie is that terrible thing Hollywood did ages back when someone, probably a guy in the Friend Zone, turned a studio onto the notion of a man and a woman, friends, who then fall in love.

It's a crazy concept. At least is was back then. Now, it's pretty much the bane and meat of every high-school-age sitcom and over-35 rom-com ("Romantic Comedy," you geezer) to slither its way out from the editing room.

Boy meets girl, boy cannot express interest in girl, girl moves on if she ever had inklings of feelings for boy, boy gets torn up inside watch girl date assholes, boy and girl get in huge fight, boy's kind of an ass, eventually boy realizes he's being a pussy and mans-up to proclaim his love in a very Alpha display, boy and girl kiss. No mention is made of the rest of their relationship, or whether it ends happily ages later or a week from then due to someone's inability to continue out-of-character outrageous displays.

An entire generation of beta males were taught that it's totally cool to fall in love with the best friend you had since you were seven. In fact, it's preferable. So don't, you know, even bother dating around or gaining any life experience. Just sit back with your one female friend because eventually she will love you to.

Good god.
Rob Reiner fuck us all over. When Harry Met Sally is too much the perfect story. "Men and women can't be friends," is like a fucking mantra, now. That's not even the point of the quote! It's like saying "Luke, I am your father," when the real line is, "No, Luke. I am your father." (It finishes the exchange, "Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father."/"He told me enough. He told me you killed him!") There's more subtext there.

"Men and women cannot be friends," is followed by "because the sex part always gets in the way." "No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."
So you're saying a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive."
"No, you pretty much wanna nail them too."
"What if they don't wanna have sex with you?"
"Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story."

This is mostly true. The part about the unattractive girls not so much, and the finality of it all not so much, but it's there. There's always the thought, "Make good mate?" running the the back of your lizard-brain.

But the notion that this is the admirable way to be? The preferable way? That's just a terrible thing to teach kids. Do you know how old I was when I learned you weren't supposed to know a person inside and out before you started dating? Like twenty. Jesus.

Meanwhile all those popular jocks you personified as the bad-guys who get their comeuppance after high school? They spend high school dating girls and generally learn to be less obnoxious people in college. Meanwhile you sit around thinking you'll get rewarded for your chaste behavior a la "Weird Science."


You need to get out and get some life experience in. At least practice with more than your hand and high-res downloads of Miley Cyrus' side-boob. Fergodsake.

So yeah, apply to me to go on an MTV dating show for Friend-Zone'd people.
Be attractive and fit the descriptors above.
Maybe you'll get something out of it.
(Besides payment and fleeting fame, I mean.)

1 comment :

  1. MTV puts a guy in a situation where he will lose no matter how good looking he is,and you get to enjoy the emotional trainwreck.

    The best thing any of these guys can do is shut up, quit declaring their love for her, grab her kiss her and say "you're mine, woman". Trust me it works much better than you would ever imagine. Women don't want another vagina.


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