If You Are Reading This You Did Not Get Raptured

It's okay, though. I probably didn't either.

Reasons I Did Not Get Raptured:

• It was not the Rapture
• I am Jewish
• I frequently engage in non-saintly behavior (like being Jewish) which a truly Christian Rapture would look down upon.
• God would have been more lenient but I spent the last 24 hours at a comic con, a gay bar, and possibly a "No-Pants" party.
• God is kind of a dick

If you were around to read this list, I suggest you consider which category best describes you and then start reevaluating your life. If we really just lost the 144,000 holiest people on Earth, you've only got seven years to fully accept Jesus Christ into your life as the one true savior. And let me tell you, if those Left Behind books are any indication, the last year or so is going to be a bitch so you might want to go ahead and get swipe those books from your library now before they get torched with all the other Holy Books.