Sunday, May 15, 2011

On Plans Best Left in the Realm of Infinite Possibility

I have most of the pieces of a life-size mannequin in my closet.

Some squishy legs, no feet, though, similar arms which are poseable, though also devoid of hands, a smallish head made of styrofoam, and a female-shaped torso with matching, non-poseable arms which can magnetically clamp to the shoulders at a few different angles.


Because I saw A Clockwork Orange in high school and love milk, so I wanted to grow up to live in a house with a working lactating statue to dispense my favorite beverage.

Later I was jealous of carpool lanes.

Later I got really into Mythbusters and remembered that episode of The Simpsons where Homer fakes his death with a stuffed version of himself. And Bart too. And then South Park did the same to Butters with a pig carcass.

At this point, I refuse to do any of it, mostly because all those ideas sound terrible and I'd likely only get one shot before my faux-daver was ruined, but also because I can't pick just one.

Plus, I'm still missing a pelvis and it would be super weird to ask the woman in Macy's if I can buy the artificial butt they display panties on.
Screw you,! I'm not paying $38 for a plastic vagina!
For $50 I can get a Fleshlite!

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