Friday, May 13, 2011

Maxim's Top 100: "Let's randomly choose foreign supermodels, and young actresses until we get to the top 10."

So I just got my June issue of Maxim in the mail and it felt a little hefty. Saddened that it was not packed full of useful articles on how to be a classy gentleman, but rather strumpet pictorials, I endeavored to at least entertain myself with it long enough to tease some meaning from the hodgepodge of skin and lace.

Note to self: "strumpet pictorelis" is now the scientific term for "camwhore."

Firstly, let's just get this out of the way: the Hot 100 are basically the three-dozen-or-so girls to have modeled for Maxim's cover or semi-major spreads in the last year, a few sexy recording artists and for some reason Cameron Diaz every year. The 10 or 20 most popular choices are set aside to be argued about later, and the remaining 80-90 are just thrown together in a photo spread that would never have passed a single layout editor at my college paper. Though in Maxim's defense, we were an award winning student newspaper. They're just Maxim. Clearly they fought tooth and nail over the top ten. Many interns died to bring us this information. The bulk of these girls were arranged on the page slapdash with their two-sentence write-ups in the least comprehensible manner possible at 5 a.m., again, kind of like my college paper.

Now for some points of note:
  • Miley Cyrus took spot #64, eking out both Elisha Cuthbert, Anna Paquin and Emma Watson, proving that there really is no telling where you'll land once you fall below that magic Top-X threshold.
    This is NOT the one with her nipple out. Jesus.
  • The middle numbers included, along with Cyrus, former/shamed Disney stars Vanessa Hudgens, Christina Aguilera, Hilary Duff (with a nod to fellow covergirl sister Haily), and Lindsay Lohan. Nickelodeon's former starlets Amanda Bynes and Michehelle Trachtenberg came out far ahead, placing in the low 30s.
Suck it, Mike Eisner!
 The top ten include an actress I've never heard of and an Israeli supermodel I've likewise never heard of, but her derriere is somewhat familiar.

The other Tops are How I Met Your Mother's Cobie Smuthers (#9), Natalie Portman (#8), Anne Hathaway (#7), Mila Kunis (#5), Cameron fucking Diaz (#4), Katy Perry (#3), Olivia Munn (#2) [who kind of shamed her Attack of the Show replacement co-host Candace Bailey at #99], and the twiggish blonde Michael Bay replaced Megan Fox with in the third Transformers because Fox was too much of a vapid, self-entitled bitch even for Michael Bay to deal with.

So yeah, Shia Labeouf is probably porking Maxim's Top 1. He's got to be feeling even better than he did to get that first sweet non-Disney role in I, Robot.
"I traded up, right Spoon? More cushion for the pushin', right?"

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